alternate title: the conversation i was completely unprepared for.
side note: dear MJ and LJ, please do not tell her that you read this, because i promised i wouldn’t tell you. but, technically, i’m not TELLING you. it’s not my fault that you read my blog, right? or maybe it is, because i’m always all: “omg, read my blog, i’m funny sometimes!” but that’s not the point.
internet, meet my amazing adorable brilliant niece.
you can call her ya-ya, because i will not use her real name here and we call her ya-ya, so i figure that’s good enough. also, that’s not what she looks like anymore because she’s nine years old now. but i can’t just go around posting recent pictures or else i would have my ass handed to me by my brother, and i prefer that my ass remain in its proper spot.
you never know when you might need it.
anyway, last weekend ya-ya and her older sister (who you may call mo-mo, and for the record we’re not obsessed with baby talk, we just call them these names because these are what they called each other when they were wee) came to spend the weekend with my mom and dad, so of course i had to get in on some quality niece time while i had the chance.
(notably missing, the wee-ish twins. who, um, don’t really have nicknames. you may call the girl twin ‘mini-tiff’ and you may call the boy twin ‘lover-of-kisses-from-his-aunts.’ he acts like he hates them, but we know it’s not true.)
here’s a picture of all four of them a long time ago.
(i know. please try not to die from the cuteness.)
mini-tiff and lover-of-kisses-from-his-aunts don’t look so happy. mo-mo looks like she knows this whole situation is going to be tiring, and ya-ya looks like she’s thinking: “what are these small creatures, and why are they stealing my thunder?”
anyway, now that i’ve given you some background, we can get back to the story.
i was going to my mom’s on friday, so i could have dinner with my parents and the girls. i decided to walk over, because they live right across the park. i’d say it’s about a fifteen minute walk.
so, i’m walking down the path, and all of the sudden i see my nieces roller-blading toward me at break-neck speed.
(don’t worry, i caught them)
so then they accompanied me on my walk over to my mom’s (also, don’t worry about that part. my mom knew that i was already on my way down the path when she let them out the door). this is when things get interesting.
ya-ya (who, i will quote accurately and affectionately, which means i will write her the way she talks. she still doesn’t say her ‘r’ sounds right. which i’m glad about, because i can still think she’s wee when really she’s getting way too grown for my liking) (also, she is a slightly manipulative child, and sometimes i think she really CAN say her ‘r’ sounds right, and just chooses not to, because it makes her irresistably adorable) (i’m serious, this child is a genius. i think she may have the cure to cancer in her ipod, and she’s just holding out for the right moment to unleash it on the world) (well, either that, or she has a plague to unleash on the world hidden in there. with this child, you just never can tell. that’s one of the many reasons that i love her so damn much)
oh, have you had enough parenthetical remarks?
ok, we shall continue…where were we? oh, right.
ya-ya is holding my hand, roller-blading slowly enough for me to keep up, and looking up at me with the sweetest little angel face you can possibly imagine.
she says: “tiffany? can i ask you a pewsonal question?”
i say: “of course, ya-ya! you can always ask me anything you want!”
(it was around this time that mo-mo looked at me like i was crazy. mo-mo is used to having to do damage control for ya-ya)
and then ya-ya said: “do you pwomise you won’t tell my mom and dad?”
and i said: “yes, i promise.”
(for the record, i meant it, at the time)
and then ya-ya said: “have you evewr had sex befowe?”
well, excuse me, internet, while i shit myself again just re-thinking this conversation.
i mean, what the hell am i supposed to say to that?
my gut instinct was to tell the truth (which is a big fat yes) (although, regrettably, not always as big and fat as i would prefer) (uncle tom, don’t read this! oh crap, probably too late). anyway, the point is that as a girl who has sometimes had body issues and such, i don’t want to contribute to any weirdness or lying to a child whom i adore. so, i was just going to laugh and say “yes!”
but then it occurred to me that this is not my child.
and that i’ve never had a discussion with her parents about how they would want to handle such a situation.
and since this child’s father has gotten snippy with me for buying these girls bikinis (with ruffly bums! so cute!) and tank tops, you can see where i would be not quite sure what to say.
i took a deep breath.
mo-mo looked at me like we were all going to be in big trouble.
i looked at ya-ya and said: “do you know what sex is?”
oh god, internet. i’ve been in a lot of difficult situations and that was probably the most difficult sentence i’ve ever uttered. the fear of somehow handling the situation wrong, and thus damaging my precious niece’s pschye combined with the fear that i would handle it in a way that her parents wouldn’t be happy with=ME FREAKING OUT.
so, anyway.
i asked my NINE YEAR OLD NIECE: “do you know what sex is?”
and she said: “yes.”
and i said: “so, what is it?”
obviously, this whole time i was partly cracking up and partly dying inside and partly shitting my pants. it was a complicated event.
and ya-ya answered me: “it’s humping!”
and i said: “humping? i’ve never heard of THAT before! what is it?”
clearly, i have heard the term ‘humping’ before. but, you can see what i was trying to do, right?
so ya-ya says: “it’s when a boy and a giwl awe in bed togethew, and they’we moving awound.”
moment of truth, internet.
what was i to say?
OMG THE PRESSURE.
so, after we walked (and bladed) a few more feet, i took a deep breath and said:
“well, ya-ya. you know that john and i live together. and we sleep in the same bed. and, yes, sometimes we move.”
and i thought: SUCCESS! I HAVE EPICALLY NAVIGATED THIS CRAP SITUATION AND I DON’T THINK I HAVE MESSED UP HER BRAIN! WOOT!
and the she said: “well, i know you live togethew, but you’we not MAWWIED.”
sigh.
just when i thought i had done a really good job.
…
but, the thing is, just when you start thinking “wow, this helping to shape the minds of young girls is REALLY HARD” one of them gives you this:
and then you’re like: “you know what? this being an aunt job is pretty awesome.”
(although, it’s still possible that my brother is going to kill me. everyone who lives around here, try to check on me and make sure i’m still living, ok?)
Filed under: basic etiquette, blogging, dirty-hippie-liberal-dispatriot-type-girl, i'm scared of things. lots of things., in which i am an idiot, life, the universe, and everything., my girls, out and about, pictures on July 21st, 2009 | 4 Comments »
