if i were queen of the world

alternate title: the thing about project 365.

so. not that any of you have even bothered to go over there and check it out (yes, i’m looking at you), but, if you had, you would probably not be at all surprised to see that there are only two posts on display over at supertiffx365.

and, really?
i’d almost rather let you think that this is just the same old supertiff nonsense. i’d rather let you think that i can’t follow through with any kind of regular posting schedule, i’d rather let you think ALMOST ANYTHING than tell you the truth: i started one of those free wordpress account thing-things to provide a home for my project x365, and i cannot remember what my username is.

that’s right, internet.
i started a secondary blog, and i cannot log in.
i am a gigantic moron.

but, you knew that already.

anyway, i have kept up with my writing. i’d really have no excuse for not doing so; hell, it’s only thirty words a day. i have them all written in this really pretty journal that tall blonde girl’s parents gave me for my birthday. so, you know. as soon as i can get someone from wordpress to help me, i will post them all and we’ll be back on track.

and i’m even going to write down my username.

because thirty is supposed to be responsible.

p.s.
today i did something that i haven’t done in 15 years. i created visual art. well, sort of. really, i created a plan for some visual art that i’m hoping to create soon. it’s going to be a relatively massive piece of visual art, and i’m very excited about. i feel…good.
that is all.
you may continue with your day now.

Filed under: in which i am an idiot, 30x365 on May 8th, 2008 | 6 Comments »

once upon a time, in a land far away, a lady named bossy lost her mind for a bit and decided to take a road trip all over the whole freaking country to meet a bunch of random-ish blog friends.

and i was one of them.

so here’s what happened.

first, i sent bossy an email and said that i would like to meet up with her if she ended up in michigan at any point. said email put me on this map, which makes no sense to anyone, bossy included.
then, about three months ago, i started getting emails from a lady with a familiar name asking if i wanted to come to the Bossy Get-Together.

a bunch of us michigan blogger-type-ladies emailed back and forth for a while, trying to plan a most excellent Bossy Get-Together when it occurred to me that the lady who seemed to running the whole shindig had not just a familiar name, but a name that is actually pretty unusual, as well. i shot her a quick email, and lo: she was one of my (favorite) professors when i was in school. i never even knew that she had a blog, because a) it’s anonymous, and b) she obviously didn’t realize that i’m super-awesome and that obviously she would want to be my bff and tell me everything about herself. anyway, i digress.

the point is: bossy came to michigan and stayed at my former professor’s home. and i got to go there. and it was fun.

you don’t believe me?
fine.
i shall provide you with some evidence.
first, you can look at this post.
(you can tell it’s me, because who else on earth had a face that shiny? answer: no one.)
but, before we move on, i would like to take this opportunity to clear something up. there was one person who commented on bossy’s detroit post who basically yelled at us detroit hosts for serving bossy whitecastle. so, for the record, i would like to point out that we only served bossy whitecastle after we rocked her world SO HARD THAT MORE FOOD NEEDED TO BE EATEN AT TWO IN THE DAMN MORNING.

in other words:
dear internet,
no, detroit didn’t invite bossy to visit and think that it was okay to serve her ONLY whitecastle burgers. and, p.s. to the haters: 1) we weren’t even in detroit, and 2) even if we were, detroit isn’t nearly as bad as some of your comments (from people who admitted to being there only once) claimed it would be. strangely enough, i’ve lived in this area for my Whole Damn Life, and i’m not dead yet. and i’ve never seen a car or house burning on the side of the road, let alone a burning car or house that no proper authorities were taking care of. and certainly not a site like that which people were driving/walking by without noticing.

xoxo,
supertiff.

ahem.

so, anyway.

here are the things that i want you to know about going out and meeting random people from the internet:

1) you will probably end up already knowing somebody. it’s a small world after all, people.
this is the person that i already knew.

2) the person that you already knew may come complete with a person or two who you feel might be your ’sisters from another mother,’ right from the moment that you meet them. you will suspect this is the case when they walk in the door and claim to be ready for a martini. you will further suspect this is the case when they bury their head in the bowl of popcorn. but you will not know how serious things are until said girl demands to be taken to whitecastle, and is then THRILLED to sing along with your simon and garfunkel’s greatest hits* cd. it’s almost as though it was meant to be.**
it is only then that you will realize that it was, in fact, love at first site.

3) as unlikely as it may seem, there are still genuinely good people who exist in the world. bossy is one of them. for realz, my friends.

i mean, the woman has her faults. don’t get me wrong.
this lady seriously tried to convince me that TOMATO JUICE and LOX on SALTINE CRACKERS is the best hangover cure of all time.

i love bossy, but i call shenanigans on that one. i mean, hello? i don’t know anyone who would agree to that hangover breakfast. in fact, any sort of seafood on a cracker is pretty much assured to make me vomit. read: if you want something salty, try CHICKEN MOTHERFREAKING NUGGETS.

so, yeah.
i think i’ve proven how crazy it is to meet random internet people…but, in a good way, no?
i just have to point out one more quote from the night i met bossy, if you don’t mind.
it went like so:

nancy (as bossy was trying to take a picture of all of us together): you have to shoot us from above! it will minimize our chins!

other lady: how did you learn that?

nancy: from having multiple chins!***

*this was the first CD i ever owned.

**if you haven’t taken a ride with people that you hardly knew, where you were all singing at the top of your lungs to every single song that came on…well, you haven’t lived.

***this has to be my favorite line of all time. it wasn’t planned out or anything, but it was still amazing. and, for teh record? i think we can all learn a lesson from this.

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 6th, 2008 | 4 Comments »

first thirty thinks it will be a good idea to take a picture, for posterity’s sake, and thirty tries to arrange herself as cutely as possible…

with balloons!
and flowers!
and a crown!

(and, what? thirty likes to wear pink curling ribbon in her hair. and thirty can do what she wants.)

but then thirty got distracted by the balloons! and flowers! and then this happened:

then thirty’s mom showed up, with a very blurry face:

and a little while later, thirty got tired and decided to turn the damn camera off already:

thirty would like you to know that she still was asleep by 1:30 am, because thirty is far more responsible that almost-thirty was the previous friday when she went to her house to meet her (and a bunch of other fun ladies) and she didn’t come home until 3am even though she had to get up for work at 7:30.
what? almost-thirty never told you about how she got to meet bossy on bossy’s excellent road trip?
well, never you mind.
thirty is more responsible than almost-thirty. thirty cares about your needs. thirty will be back after work tonight to tell you all about almost-thirty’s bossy adventure.

note: it remains to be seen if thirty is a liar.

other note: thirty would also like to assure that while thirty is just as much in love with run-on and fragment sentences as twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight and almost-thirty were, thirty will not continue to refer to herself in the third person after this post is over.

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., in which i am an idiot, pictures on May 5th, 2008 | 6 Comments »

i would like to announce the beginning of SUPERTIFF: 30×365

(see explanation here)
starting today, i will write a mini-post everyday for one year about somebody that i’ve crossed paths with at some point in my life. the trick is, each post is only allowed to be thirty words long. also: i retain the right to repeat people. not with the same thirty words, of course…but, consider the first entry, which is for my mother. she’s been around through a great many (read: all) stages of my life, so i sort of feel like she’s allowed more than one entry.

of course, even with this mild rule-breaking, i still might never make it close to 365 entries. but, i’m going to try. i guess we’ll just see how it goes. if further rule-breaking becomes necessary, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

***
i would also like to take this opportunity to send out a call for help.
i really don’t want to post 365 thirty word posts right here on my main page. i’d rather have it all go down at a quasi-separate spot that people could visit when they want, rather than coming here and having to scroll through a bunch of short entries that they may not give one crap about.

should i use my old blogger page? do i need to start a new site? what should i do?
***

UPDATE: i decided to put the x365 posts on another page. check the sidebar (where the about/contact/myspace pages are) and come join my little journey!

Filed under: blogging, 30x365 on May 3rd, 2008 | 7 Comments »

yesterday you gave me a bracelet that says: “if i know what love is, it’s because of you.” i believe you; i know it’s not easy. and i’m thankful everyday.

Filed under: 30x365 on May 3rd, 2008 | 2 Comments »

let this be a warning to those if you who haven’t reached this age landmark yet: something SHINY and SQUINTY-EYED this way comes. apparently.*

but, seriously. tonight, in the wee hours until i turned 30 at midnight, i went out to dinner with my ex-boss and his wife. and i felt very happy and loved and special. then i went home with my ex-boss’s wife and we watched grey’s anatomy. and i felt very happy and loved and special. by the time the show was over, i was down to t-minus 42 minutes until i would turn 30. black friday would officially begin.

i headed up to the new bar that i work at.

i almost didn’t go, to be honest.

i had told some people that i was planning on coming up for my birthday at midnight, but–you know–i’m the new girl. i guess i didn’t really think anyone would show up.

imagine my surprise that they all did. like, even the cooks. and people were even sending me texts wondering where i was because i didn’t get there early enough. (i think i walked in at exactly midnight). and, here’s the kicker: i didn’t pay for ANYTHING.

and, obviously, that’s not what it’s all about. but i have to take a moment to say that, in this weird transitional time, it means more than i can say to feel so welcomed by these people. it means the world that they cared enough to come out and try to make sure that i had a good time.

and i did have a good time.
one might even say that i felt happy and loved and special.

and, tomorrow?
bring on the real birthday.

*please note: i really wanted to come home and snap a quick pic to post with the title ‘this is what thirty looks like.’ but i sat in front of the computer, got ready to take the pic, and then that batman guy said something that made me laugh my ass off. so, yeah. i could have taken another picture, but why? this picture represents what i wish for myself on my birthday, and what i wish for myself and all of you on every day of every year: at least 5 seconds when you JUST LAUGH.

it’s the best thing in the world, no?

p.s.
still, there was something that happened today that made me feel happy and loved and special in a way which i have no words to express. it happened here. and i just want to say: thank-you, aimee.

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., in the bar, in which i am an idiot, that batman guy on May 2nd, 2008 | 10 Comments »

so.

at my new job, i have to wear my hair up. technically speaking, i was supposed to wear my hair up at my old job. but, i never did. i always figured i’d be in big trouble if anyone ever found a super long red hair in their food, but it never happened. in seven and a half years. and, really? that’s pretty crazy. i mean, i feel like i am CONSTANTLY shedding. i even have an ex-boyfriend who claimed that he was finding my hairs around his house for over a year after we broke up.*

but, i digress.

the point is, i went to work tonight. and i had my hair up. i had been there for about 2.7 minutes when this one chick–who. incidentally, i enjoy quite a bit–was like: ‘tiff, your hair is making me SO happy today.’

and so there i was, standing in the waitstation, thinking that this girl was about to tell me that my hair looked really pretty or something, and so i said: ‘thanks!’

and she said: ‘from the back, it looks like two balls with a penis hanging down.’

and then i said: ‘well, i’m glad i could make your evening a little better. i’m totally not going to go fix it, either. good luck keeping a straight face for the rest of the night.’

a few minutes later, i repeated the story to my manager and he just started laughing uncontrollably. i said: ‘what?’
and he said: ‘well, i wasn’t going to say anything…but, you know. it does kind of look like two balls with a penis hanging down.’

here’s what my hair looked like, for the record:
from the front…

and from the top…

and–apparently infamously–from the back…

and from the back again…

i have to admit, i don’t see it. i was really excited to come home and write this post, and display a picture in which my hair resembled the male genitalia. do any of you see it? anyone? bueller?

p.s. coming very soon: the amazing tale of how supertiff met bossy (and many other cool ladies) last friday night.

*i have to assume that there wasn’t much vacuuming** going on during that year.

**does anyone else ever have a problem spelling the word ‘vacuum?’ whenever i have to type it–which isn’t often–i find myself thinking: are there two ‘C’s, or two ‘M’s? but, really? there are two ‘U’s. and that just seems really messed up to me. anyone else? bueller? hello?

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., in the bar, in which i am an idiot, pictures on April 29th, 2008 | 15 Comments »

random employee: tiffany, tiffany! table 12 needs to see you RIGHT NOW.

it was clear from her tone that this table needed to bitch at me immediately, as opposed to…i don’t now…take the first opportunity to tell me what a lovely time they were having. ha. so, anyway. i head over to the table, completely prepared to be bitched upon.

i was not, however, prepared for the level of insignificant bitchery that was about to take place.

preface: table 12 has exactly 2 people sitting at it. they appear to be a couple. they MUST be a couple. if you could have seen them, you would understand that no one would have ever considered dating either one of them, save for the person they were sitting at table 12 with. but, that’s neither here nor there i suppose.

me, walking up to table 12: how’s it going, guys? i heard you needed me. what can i do for you?

dude: *won’t look at me. will only stare at his burger. it’s as if he knows that some fantastic bitchery is about to come out of his girlfriend’s mouth, and he’s trying to pretend that he’s not there.*

lady, making the most bitch-tastic face imaginable: um, hi. so, i don’t know who dropped off our burgers, but she didn’t even know which burger was mine and which one was his. we had to switch our plates after she walked away.

me: *stands there, waiting for there to be more to the story.*

lady, repeating herself: WE HAD TO SWITCH OUR PLATES!

me: *still has no words*

me, again: um, sorry bout that. is there anything i can do for you right now?

lady: well, we already switched our plates. you weren’t here to help us.

me, inwardly: *checks to see that they both have arms. they do.*

me: ok, well, i’ll check back in a few minutes and make sure you’re doing alright.

lady, as i’m walking away: well, it’s a little late for that.

***
do i need to point out that this couple was not sitting at a twenty foot dining table? they were sitting about 16 inches away from each other. and this lady was seriously pissed off that the burgers were put in front of the wrong person. now, i can understand if you’re sitting with a large group of people, or hell, even four people, and you have to sit and pick through your food to figure out which burger belongs to which person.

but, two people?

does this lady know that there’s a war going on?
does she know that gas costs eleventy billion dollars a gallon?
does she know that 1 in 6 women in the world will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives?

and, more important: doesn’t she know that i’m not even the person who dropped of the god damned burgers?

Filed under: in the bar on April 24th, 2008 | 12 Comments »

my littlest sister stars in her high school play, as annie:

color me excited, people. this video is from a dress rehearsal, and i almost peed myself watching it. and i also cried a little bit.
guess who’s going to be a mess at the real show this weekend?

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., i'm watching, my girls on April 16th, 2008 | 8 Comments »

a few hours ago, my mother asked me what i was going to do tonight. i said: i really need to post something on my blog. she said: no shit.

and then i sat down and read the paper for a little while.

and then she said: so, are you finally going to reveal the mystery?

and i said: not tonight.

and she said: why?

and then i made myself a drink and walked away.

she shouted after me: oh, none of it even matters! just write!

so then i did my taxes. because, you know. it is april 15th, after all. and then i watched juno, because, you know. it came out on dvd today. and then i read the screenplay, because, you know. a copy came with the dvd.

and then i logged into my blog and wrote all of the above super-repetitive fragment sentences, many of which started with the word ‘and.’ did you know that it’s totally okay to start sentences with the word ‘and?’ it is. but, maybe it’s not okay to start ninety percent of your sentences with the word ‘and.’ (in related news: it is also okay to start sentences with the word ‘but.’)
you’re welcome.

anyway, then american idol came on. and i ate some macaroni and cheese. i didn’t really enjoy it; i put too much pepper on it, and it was freshly ground pepper so it was like all i could taste were these big crunchy pieces of pepper. and then i was like: oh, right. i’m supposed to be blogging.

so, um…hi! what’s up?

in the absence if anything really interesting to write about, i suppose i can go ahead and tell you guys about the little project that i’m about to start. it’s called ‘x365′, and i first heard about it from miss zoot (who is really good at sharing interesting internet and harry potter related things with her blog readers). the introduction on the first page of the x365 site describes the project like this:

This started with one guy who wanted to mark turning 40 in a cool and meaningful way, now people all over the world are making a list of 365 people they’ve met during the course of their lives - people who left an impression and whose name they remember - then they’re randomly writing a set number of words about someone on their list. They’re doing this once a day - for a year.

The results are stunning. Have you made the list?

i’m still not sure why this attracts me so much. i don’t usually get into any of the crazy schticks that sweep across the blogosphere. but, i don’t know. i’m turning 30 in less than three weeks, and this seemed like it would be a good way to sort of take an inventory of my life so far. does that make any sense at all?

and, yes…i know what you’re thinking. you’re thinking that there’s no way in hell that i will post every day for a year. and, you know what? you may very well be right about that. i’ve already been thinking about ways to amend the project to fit my own needs. to be honest, i’m more worried about that fact that i don’t think i’ll be able to come up with 365 people to write about than i am about the whole posting-every-day thing. i mean, 365? 365 whole people? and then i start to think about privacy issues and whatnot. there are a lot of stories i could tell that people would probably prefer not get told. but, at the same time, it is highly unlikely that those people read my blog. if i haven’t seen or spoken to someone in 15 years, can i blog about something they said or did to me without feeling bad about it? i always change the names of the people i talk about here anyway…well, most of the time. so, does that make it okay?

anyway. after i worried about all that, then i worried about the posting-every-day thing. and then i thought that maybe i’d just change it to project x182.5. and then i thought: hell, if i’m going to change it, maybe i’ll write not just about people. i could include songs and books and movies that have had a big impact on me, too.

so, yeah.
i’m not sure what i’m going to do yet…i’m just sure that some kind of something that somehow resembles project x365 will begin to appear here at supertiff.com starting on friday, may 2.

or, black friday, as i like to call it.

in other news, can someone tell erin that while it would have been super awesome if she would have shown up and surprised me at the bar (as she threatened in the comments here), that plan is foiled because i don’t actually work there anymore.

dun dun DUUUUUUUNNNNNN.

and, with that?
i leave you for the night.

party on, everyone.

p.s.
thanks to d.b. echo for the video.

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., in the bar, blogging, i'm watching on April 15th, 2008 | 9 Comments »